When Anthony & I felt a peace to move forward with Adoption this time, I had been praying, and I continue to pray, that my wanting to move forward isn't because of what I think our family number should be. I want whether we're a family of 3, or a family of 7 to be content.
Before Anthony and I married we talked about wanting 5 maybe 6 children, and until recently I have held onto that desire so tightly that nothing, not even God, could rip it out of my hands. It's probably been about 4 years ago now that I was reading a blog written by a woman that had also gone through infertility. The woman from the blog stated that she, and her husband also wanted 5 or 6 children when they 1st married, and after many years of infertility, and heartache she and her husband were blessed with adopting twice. Twice??? I'll be honest, I was disappointed by their outcome, I felt like they had given up. I felt like they had given up on their dreams of having a large family...why didn't they adopt again? Why didn't they try fertility treatments? I felt like they weren't truly trusting God. Actually, I was so mad, and fearful that our story might turn out the same way that after I finished reading her blog, I slammed my phone down, and began to cry...more like began to sob. Once again, I felt I may have to give up my hopes, and dreams, and, once again, it was God's fault.
But, 4 years later, as God often does, if I allow Him, He's changed, and changing my heart, and desires. That huge family I've wanted for so many years doesn't feel as necessary, and my grip doesn't feel as tight. I had to do a heart check, and before we decided to move forward with our second adoption, I wanted to make sure my motives weren't because it was my plan, or my desires. I wanted to make sure I was content with where we were before moving forward.
I was telling a friend yesterday who has two children, and feels very content in that, that I can't wait to feel done, and not have the pulling, and tugging on my heart for more children. I hope in writing this it doesn't sound bad, not only does wanting more children mean love, and beauty in my heart; but wanting more children also means the possibility of heartache and pain. Maybe you can't relate to infertility, or both the joy, and fear when adopting, but most people can relate to waiting on something, or someone, and being fearful that what you're waiting on may never come to pass.
Have you ever seen the movie Varsity Blues? Seriously, I don't recommend it. It's not the most appropriate movie, however; it has a very good story line. There is a main quarterback, and he's awesome at a being a quarterback. In fact, he's so good scouts are interested in him for college teams. But, one night while playing, the quarterback gets severely hurt, and all the plans and hopes he has for his future seem lost. Fast forward to the end of the movie, and although the player has suffered a great loss, his life plans aren't lost. Maybe, he won't be the one out on the field playing, but he decides to use his talent to coach others, and help others to be great football players.
I mention that story, because we have a choice. We can be so set on our hopes for the future we miss what's right in front of us. Yes, we may have to go through pain, heartache & loss, but we can allow God to use them. Or, we can wind up constantly striving for a goal that even when reached you still don't have contentment...you still don't know when enough is enough.
Last night, as I was again giving myself a heart check on my motive for wanting more children, the lady's story who I mentioned earlier, her blog post popped in my head. Maybe she and her husband hadn't given up on a big family after all, maybe they found contentment with the blessings God had given them. Maybe after they adopted their two children they had a peace in their heart, and finally after years of heartache and waiting, they felt done.
I can't tell you for sure if after our second adoption if our family will be complete. We don't know exactly what God has in store for our future, but I do know this, I found contentment in our family of three, and I know I will find contentment in our family of 4.